My new book is out on Kindle.   She was Born, but she Died is a child's story of speaking with her grandmother about the death of her stillborn sister Emily.   Written from a Christian point of view, the Grandmother reassures the child that death is not the end, and that there will one day be a joyful reunion, although their grief is great.  Written and Illustrated/graphics by Elizabeth Kirkley Best.

Note: From Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhD

Still around, folks, and The Forgotten Grief has not changed hands nor added any other authors. Until forgottengrief.com is back online, I will on occasion feature pages from the main site. The work on The Forgotten Grief is still soley mine unless noted otherwise, and no one else may edit or write on the site. This is to assure the quality of the site. Over the years several people have tried to waylay this and other sites for their personal views, or to sell what has been offered for free all these years. My aim is to make materials from my early career and a few other new offerings available to aid and comfort, not to merchandise. Please help keep this site free. Many blessings, Dr. Elizabeth Kirkley Best , Director.

The Forgotten Grief: Questions Mothers and Fathers Frequently Ask: Frequently Asked Questions: I was just wondering if a baby stays a baby when God takes it to Heaven? Or does it automatically become of a certain age? Or does it grow up in Heaven to a certain age. I miscarried about 22 years ago at about 12 weeks. My niece just miscarriage at 7 months. When we get to Heaven will our babies be babies or adults? The Bible does not give complete details of how we will look or be in heaven, but it does give a few ideas. Age will not matter: there is not the same sense of time we have here as in eternity. The saved of God are given a new body fit for life in eternity (I Cor 15), and there we are "known as we are known". 1Cr 13:12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. When a Christian 'walks' in the Holy Spirit, we are given understanding and can 'see' what we cannot 'see' at other times-- clarity in an idea, the needs of another etc, and although it is not a literal seeing , more often than not, it is with understanding and assurity. We will know each other in Heaven. A well known radio pastor, Chuck Smith, in response to a similar question once noted that we will 'not be more stupid in Heaven than we are here". ---we will know one another but not bare the same relationship to one another: one may discern this by the answers Jesus gave regarding marriage and re-marriage in which he noted that in heaven none are given in 'marriage': it is a real place, Heaven, but it is not of the same nature as earth, nor will our bodies be. You will have full joy in reunion with the children you have lost: you will rejoice when you see them, and will live with them in the presence of a Loving Lord and Savior if you are dwelling in Him, and He in you. Heaven is for the saved of God, those who come His Way, through the atoning work of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Way, the Truth and the LIfe. When we have received Him and walk in Him, Heaven is assured for us, and we will have that joy of reunion with those who have gone on before. We often draw pictures of Jesus holding a baby to give an idea of the Love of the Savior for the little ones, and the site explains on the page God and Your Baby , that they go fully to Heaven with the greatest assurance we can have from Scriptures. God is more merciful than we are: our journeys can be from a a few minutes or less to up to 100 or more years, but each life counts and is precious to God, and each is used in the plan of His reign and Kingdom. Your baby is held in His love and care. You will see them again. Cordially,Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhD forgottengrief@gmail.com Back to HomeContact Us &copy 1981, 2004 Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhDTitle taken from "The Forgotten Grief" published in American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1982.

On Santorum and Mourning a Stillbirth

A response to the 'weird' criticism of Santorum

http://www.commentarymagazine.com/2012/01/05/partisan-politics-santorum-stillborn-baby/

I worked with families grieving stillborns for many years in regional care facilities and in the community. Each parent and family grieve very differently and in a society bereft of understanding regarding death and mourning, it is little surprise to find no understanding regarding the mourning of a stillborn son or daughter. Parents need closure and time to say good bye, a feat usually briefly accomplished in a hospital's cold and clinical setting: if the Santorums had the great grace of quietly saying good bye in their home, then they are the blessed ones: our society cannot possibly address in its hardheartedness the enormous strength of character it takes to live through the death of a stillborn, and to go on to maintain a healthy and strong marriage and family, and then even contend for the highest office of the land: it is a sign of character and fortitude. The decision to see and hold and say quiet good byes to the smallest member of the family is healthy, expected, and waylays later possible emotional problems: it is called 'closure' and is not weird nor odd, but an expression of love with tears and in my estimation a clear sign of a strong candidate who values life at all ages. Many blessings to a fine candidate.

September 6th : Stillbirth Remembrance Day

Over the years, so much has been accomplished in the remembrance of the little ones who died at birth, and to comfort their parents and families.  "The Forgotten Grief" joins in the official day of remembrance,  in honoring the tiny lives and the impact they have made in their deaths, on the nation, the heart and their families. As we enter in to the new school year, the High Holy Days for the Jewish community, the Commemoration of the 911 tragedy,  and the fall season,  let us always keep in our hearts, that in God's sovereignty even the lives cut short,  or as scripture denotes them "the infants of days"  had purpose and meaning.  Many blessings to all those who have loved and lost their stillborn sons and daughters, and many congratulations to those who have tirelessly worked over the past 30 years, that they not be forgotten.

Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhD

The Forgotten Grief
www.forgottengrief.com

Grief at Prenatal Loss: An Argument for the Earliest Maternal Attachment: Online version

Dr. Kirkley-Best's 1981 Dissertation on the Psychology of Grief at Stillbirth and Prenatal Maternal Attachment

Notice: Terra Coggin's Group Announces Infant loss Awareness day

I am passing along the following information from the facebook page of Terra-Lynn Coggins regarding Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day on Oct. 15,2010:

Terra-Lynn invited you to "Lights of Love International Wave of Light 2010" on Friday, October 15, 2010 at 7:00pm.

Event: Lights of Love International Wave of Light 2010
What: Ceremony
Start Time: Friday, October 15, 2010 at 7:00pm
End Time: Friday, October 15, 2010 at 8:00pm
Where: everywhere (Worldwide)

To see more details and RSVP, follow the link below:
http://www.facebook.com/n/?event.php&eid=171146237060&mid=21c504cG251bdeeaG4420e24G7&n

New Studies on Subsequent Children: Revisiting the 'Replacement Child Syndrome': The Studies did not find 'no effect'.

Recently in the news, there was widespread coverage of a research study by Dr. Penelope Turton in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry regarding the effects on the next child following a stillbirth.

A summary article appears at Stillbirth Not an Issue for Next Born in Forbes.com

Some are misreading both the study and misapplying the findings to suggest that there is no risk in the pregnancy subsequent to a stillbirth for the child born later. This seemed to negate the observation of hundreds of researchers and counselors who have noted for 50 years the existence of what has been termed the 'replacement child syndrome', a phenomenon in which many feelings about the 'ideal' child that died are overlaid on the feelings regarding the next child who survives. Many historical examples have been noted of pathological examples in which the 'new' child cannot live up to the expectations of what the previous child would have been like.

The actual findings in the new 2009 study in Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, and a previous article in Attachment and Human Behavior, included the following statements in the two abstract:

We report that in this population there was no significant correspondence between U and PTSD scores or caseness and no association between maternal PTSD and infant D. We discuss possible interpretations of these findings.

Recent Study: Results: There were no significant between-group differences in child cognitive or health assessments, or in teacher-rated child difficulties. However, mothers with history of stillbirth (the index group) reported increased child difficulties, in particular peer problems, and more adverse interaction was observed in respect of higher levels of maternal criticism of the child's actions, more overall controlling behaviour by the mother, a less harmonious emotional atmosphere and a lower level of maternal engagement with the child. Some of these effects appeared to be mediated by maternal perinatal psychological symptoms and family breakdown.

Two major issues of are deep concern to the research and comfort community in Perinatal bereavement:

1. The study in no way says there are no differences at all: the study says there are no differences in teacher rated child difficulties, but that there are a number of differences in maternal reports! Serious differences contrary to the way the study was reported.

2. A fundamental error that is made in the social sciences among those who are doing field research is that when we find no significant difference between groups or measures, in this case, no difference between subsequent children following stillbirth vs regular children in teacher-ratings, we cannot say at all that there are no differences, only that we cannot support the 'Null' hypothesis.

In research especially field research (research that takes place in a natural setting, and not in a lab), countless variables and possible errors may confound our results. These natural 'errors' may exaggerate our data, or cause it to look like there are no differences when there really are. It is a common and deadly error over the years in Perinatal Bereavement research and must be heeded. Even those in their first quarter of college statistics learn that when we do not see a statistically significant difference, it does not mean that there was not one, only that it did not appear given our methodology and choice of statistical test. There can be many reasons that there appears to be no difference:

1. Raw Error
2. Unknown factors
3. Faulty methods such as poorly designed rating scales or assessments
4. The wrong statistical test, or the right one, lacking power or enough data
5. Confounding factors such as nonrandom selection, a common problem in field research, historical factors, meaning that either during the study an event happens which changes the data, or for example a difference in parity, maternal age, or time since loss which might not have randomized out.
6. Design facts

and others.

For this reason, virtually all Statisticians and trained researchers know that they cannot draw conclusions and say there are 'no differences' just because a statistically significant difference was not found. Two studies which did the same thing, concluded 'no differences' when they should not have, were that of Peppers and Knapp in the early 1980s who claimed to have found no difference in grief between women who lost babies in the first, second or third trimester, (which is not logical to those who have worked with many mothers) or a study by Kellner et. al[: Links
Kellner KR, Donnelly WH, Gould SD. Parental behavior after perinatal death: lack of predictive demographic and obstetric variables.Obstet Gynecol. 1984 Jun;63(6):809-14. ]

in which a less powerful statistic found 'no differences' when all they should have said was that they were unable to detect one. They used a chi square instead of a multivariate design, and seemed to contradict the earlier study of Kirkley-Best (1981), the first prospective and controlled study, which yield a significant difference with the highest predictive variable being length of gestation, followed by maternal parity. The Kirkley Best study has been replicated twice, by an extensive Swedish study [5], and another stateside.

The reason for this caution is that

1. The study actually did find a difference in maternal report, supporting all earlier observations (See The Forgotten Grief: A Review of the Psychology of Stillbirth-section on 'Replacement Child Syndrome' and
2. Designs out in the field can almost never conclude 'no difference'.

The reason this is so significant is because the study rapidly hit the news services and appeared to negate the warning of so many researchers and counselors, including myself of the insidious effects of perinatal mourning on subsequent children and family relations. It is not that healthy families cannot compensate for their feelings in later births, nor does it indicate that the effects are always severe, but even 'face validity' tells that the feelings about a child that died will affect feelings about the child who comes next! The example is often given of Vincent Van Gogh, whose mother even named him after the deceased sibling and had him visit the grave on a regular basis. While that is an extreme and pathological example, it indicates that the process does attend future children, and needs to be addressed.

This is not to say it is a poor or unimportant study, but the more appropriate question to be asked, how to get at the variables affecting the severity of the 'carry over' feelings, so as not to hamper the child's development later, and to avoid such traumatizing issues as using the same name or 'suspending' a name for a later child, or any thing which causes each child, living or dead not to retain a God given identity.

A last note quickly so that I do not slip into my old moronic psychology professor self: I have no vested interest any longer in research issues or diagnostic issues,as I left the research a few years back since in this particular field, research yield almost nothing that careful observation could not, with out reducing grief and sorrow over the loss of an infant to yet one more problem of clinical pathology. My greater concern is that healthy happy wholesome children and families find their way through despair and mourning, while retaining the dignity and unique 'glory' of each child, including the one who died. Just a passing note:

1Cr 15:41 [There is] one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for [one] star differeth from [another] star in glory.

________________________________
1. Forbes.com
2. Penelope Turton 1 , William Badenhorst 1 , Susan Pawlby 2 , Sarah White 1 , and Patricia Hughes "Psychological vulnerability in children next-born after stillbirth: a case–control follow-up study" Division of Mental Health, St George's University of London, UK ; Institute of Psychiatry, King's College London, UK
Correspondence to Penelope Turton, Division of Mental Health, St George's University of London
3.Penelope Turton; Patricia Hughes; Peter Fonagy; David Fainman
journal Attachment & Human Development, Volume 6, Issue 3 September 2004 , 241 - 253
4. Kellner KR, Donnelly WH, Gould SD. Parental behavior after perinatal death: lack of predictive demographic and obstetric variables.Obstet Gynecol. 1984 Jun;63(6):809-14.
5.Ingela Radestad, Gunnar Steineck, Conny Nordin, Berit Sjogren, associate BMJ 1996;312:1505-1508 (15 June)Papers Psychological complications after stillbirth--influence of memories and immediate management: population based study
6 Peppers LG, Knapp RJ. Psychiatry. 1980 May;43(2):155-9.
Maternal reactions to involuntary fetal/infant death.
7. Kirkley Best E. Grief in response to prenatal loss: An argument for the earliest maternal attachment EK Best - 1981 -Doctoral Dissertation, Department of Psychology, University of Florida

Forgotten Grief: Update

Due to a great deal of computer difficulties, not many updates have been added lately to forgottengrief.com. I will begin to add weekly or biweekly blurbs to this blog on suggestions, ideas, and informal discussions of aspects of grief and mourning at stillbirth and the perinatal period. Two new poems soon to be posted, entitled, "The Petite Dress", and "








The Petite Dress

I would have clothed you
I want you to know
In this hour of despair
In my weeping
With the Satins and Silks
And Luminous Linens
Of Fairy Tales

I would have held you
Cradled in attendant arms
In Holy Dedication
Promising Our God
A Life for Him

I would have sung you
Tales of paradise
Of the Heaven where none die
And there are no more infants of Days
As He promised

My lullabies would have been hymns
Or treasonous little limericks
To force an infant smile
The soft whispers
That define Mornings
And give us back our names.














Instead I stand in
this shuddering moment
Purchasing an eternal garment
This Petite Dress.

I have chosen the white cotton
With the demure satin roses
White as fuller’s white
To dress you for your King
Surrendering what was not ours
To love but for moments
Choosing not to rage
At least for moments
At the small Garden
At the heart
We were not allowed to tend

At the heart, loved in distances
Yet ever near
Sung to in dreams and visions
Do you hear? As we hear?
Those hymns as tiny dresses
Thundering in our souls
When weeping pauses
And we hold you in a vision
The prisons of mourning
The dungeons
Where mourning mothers
Choose fierce Manacles
To remain at love’s door
A moment more?













And though my fingers grasp and ache
The baby garment strewn with
The fine embroidered smocking
Before it becomes
A bridal veil,
And the end of my heart
Before I must relinquish
Even my own garment
The tormented iron shackles of mourning
Before I let go

Here is my hymn,

I have already loved you
And will never cease
The breaking crescent of a thousand waves
Will be the counterpoint
Rushing into heaven
Where you have gone before
Dressed in His Glory
In Edenic Mercy
He already encompasses you
In Love greater than mine
(Though for the moment
I cannot embrace that wisdom)

My heart cry
Is Little One in the Petite Dress
Shining in the Holy Presence
Where small souls cry Abba, Father













I sing of your beauteous gown
And the one I shall wear
In Reunion soon,
When mourning flees
And we will recount in Joy
The wisdom of Eternity
Which escapes me
In this hour
Of the Petite Dress.


©2009 Elizabeth K. Best

-----------------------------



Mourning has a finer Thread




Mourning has a finer thread
Than mourners ever see
Runs contrary to the suffering Soul
And hides beneath the weave
Receiving blankets bathed in pale
Golden, pink and blue
Conceal the thread that none can bind
Yet pierce the heart straight through

That threaded shroud
That mocked the heart
A briared bassinet
It should have called to comfort rock
It called with Sorrow’s net
To fasten unsuspected there
The thorn which pierced His brow
The Crown that mocked
All Heaven’s King
Sits aching on mine now



Elizabeth k. best ©2009


Hope you like these. For general info, you can follow this blog, with an RSS feed.
Blessings this Spring day, although yesterday we still had snow in Wisconsin!.

Libbie Best

Welcome to Forgotten Grief

Notes of interest coming soon. Sorry the news update is so
delayed: will catch up shortly after the holidays.